What Do You Notice?

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Whether you are a few months into a relationship or several decades in, I am guessing that you notice your partner’s behavior in some way. In this post I want to bring awareness to what you are noticing and how what you notice may be impacting how you feel about your partner and your relationship.

Let me give an example, your partner is running a little late to meet you and sends you a text message to let you know. Which part of this scenario catches your attention more, that your partner is running late, or that they thought of you and reached out to let you know?

While the above example is oversimplified, it is possible to slip into a deficit mindset when it comes to your partner and relationship, what isn’t there, what you don’t have, what they aren’t doing. In therapy, one of the tasks we work on is to bring awareness to what your relationship does have and what your partner is trying to do or is doing well in your relationship.

Why does what you notice matter? If you find yourself only giving attention to the deficits or what you don’t want your partner to do, they may begin to engage in less of the things that you do want. In only stating what you don’t want, you aren’t giving your partner a picture of what they can do that will help.

Try thiS

When you notice your partner doing something that you appreciate, that makes you feel good, brings you closer together, or you find to be helpful, let them know by telling them what about their actions or behavior you appreciate. This gives your partner something to aim for and increases the likelihood that they will do that same thing again in the future now that they know how much you appreciate it.