"You did great, but...", "I am sorry, but...", "Dinner was delicious, but..." What do all of these comments have in common? Obviously, they all include the word “but.” Maybe less obvious is that while one is a general compliment, one an apology, and one praise about dinner, all of these thoughts are about to be negated by what will follow the word “but.” The use of “but” is common in the English language and can be used in various ways. I would like to bring attention to how the word “but” may be impacting your intended message and feelings of being heard and understood in relationships. In the video below Amy Speidel explains how using “and” instead of “but” can have a positive impact on parenting.
The important message Amy Speidel explores is that in using the word "but" you may be unintentionally communicating criticism by negating the positive aspect of your message. Replacing "but" with "and" allows the positive sentiment to remain while also communicating additional feedback. Consider these two statements:
- "Dinner was delicious and I would enjoy peas instead of carrots."
- "Dinner was delicious, but I would enjoy peas instead of carrots."
Which would you prefer to hear and why? Changing just one word can be the difference between sharing positive feedback and sharing what can all too often feel like criticism.
try it out
Bring awareness to moments when you use the word "but" and try inserting the word "and" instead. Did using the word "and" change the tone of the conversation?